Hi. I'm Lola and I'm an addict.

Today my heart is heavy. 

A young man took his life and he used drugs to do it. 

My brothers used to be addicted to drugs. 

As for me,

I'm addicted to this sad feeling, because I am constantly convincing myself I don't deserve to be happy. 

I'm addicted to the past and I can't quite kick it.

I'm addicted to you and the idea that one day you will love me the way I have loved you all these years. 

I'm addicted to eating even when I'm not hungry.

I'm addicted to beautiful words. Words that give hope, but also the ones that tear your chest open and punch your heart. They hurt like hell, but those words make me feel alive.

I'm addicted to the way my heart feels when little kids say "I love you."

I'm addicted to punctuation. I constantly overdose. 

I can't seem to survive without my planner and making lists in it so I guess you could say that is an addiction. 

I'm addicted to soaking the day away in an overwhelmingly hot bath. 

Only by God's grace am I addicted to the idea that one day  I can do something special and maybe I can help someone in this world. 

I was sober about a year from my writing addiction but  I've relapsed and I've never felt so free. 

Words are my drug and I'm excited to be using again. 

Lola. 

Old

Just now have I figured out what old people mean when they say getting old sucks.
IT SUCKS. IT SUCKS. IT SUCKS.
I had an appointment with adulthood today and it was a definite disappointment.
Everyone there was mean and not helpful.
I cried in the lobby and my dad kept saying, "don't get upset".
Is that what adults do?
Do they just hide their feelings for the sake of looking good?
Cause if that's the case I probably wont make a good adult.
I don't want to hide my feelings. I want to shout them down the canyon so all the trees can hear me.
I don't want all the other humans to hide theirs either. I just want to honestly know if you're ok.
I hate the lie "I'm fine".
NOBODY IS FINE SO DON'T LIE TO ME.
Don't lie to me.
Tell me the truth.

/-/-/-/-/

Today started great, 

You told me you liked my dress and that made me feel special, but it solidified the realization that I will never know what it's like to have you leave so fast that I can still feel your lips on mine. 

When I woke up I remembered it's the 14th. It's been a year without a friend and a year with an angel. 

I'm sick of being the sponge. The sponge that always has to soak up everyone's problems and worries. It's exhausting.

I can't stop thinking about where I am supposed to be and it's definitely not here. 

I have a lot of anxiety and I get stressed out over the Littlest things. So I apologize if I ever get caught up in uptight energy. 

I'm trying not to jump to conclusions about you, because you keep proving me wrong. 

My heart is tired. I can feel it. 

Lola. 

Bye.

I feel like you should know some things about me before I go. 

So here goes nothing. 

Hi, 

I love movies. 

I have gotten stuck in the snow twice this winter. 

I am not really good at anything, I'm subpar at most things. 

I don't want to leave Paris. 

I always sleep with 2 pillows. 

I love hiking and camping. Thank heavens the canyon isn't far away. I can breathe again when I go up there. 

I hate people that constantly feel the need to contradict everything anyone says. 

I have needed glasses since 2nd grade. I failed the stupid eye check test with the "E" and you have to say which direction it's going. I got every single one wrong.

I wish I could speak French. 

I don't want to leave Paris. 

I haven't kissed anyone yet. 

I love concerts. 

I don't eat vegetables that often. 

I used to run track and play softball. 

I don't know how to feel about religion. 

I believe 100% that bad things happen to good people. 

I don't want to leave Paris. 

I don't know what else to say, 

But IDK man, I just want pizza.

Lola.  

Confessions of a teenage drama queen.

Disclaimer: this has nothing to do with the Lindsay Lohan movie. Sorry. 

I'm just need to say all these things: 

-I have a crush on a boy in my choir class, but I'm never going to tell anyone who. 

-I love my friends a lot. 

-If I had to eat one thing for the rest of my life, it would be biscuits and gray. 

-My weaknesses when it comes to the male species are beards and musical inclination. 

-Also, a fit bum. SRYNOTSRY. 

-I have this reaccuring dream that I am falling off a cliff and then right before I hit the ground, I wake up. 

-I think Lauren Coulter is the kindest person. 

-I want to move somewhere far away, but I want to bring all the people I love with me. 

-I have this constant fear that I have diabetes. 

-I am the most ticklish behind my knees.

Anyways. You didn't need to know any of that. I just wanted to say it. 

Lola. 

Remember.

I remember playing in my dads old room. I remember the way my grandparents old house smelled musty & like and old people. 

I remember the the holes in the walls cause you got mad again. 

I remember listening to James Taylor on road trips. 

I remember all of your old girlfriends and the scary mermaid tattoo. 

I remember the way I took care of my hair  on the day of school pictures in 2nd grade. 

I remember the yellow dress I wore on the first day of 8th grade. 

I remember when dad lost his job. 

I remember the first time I heard my brother swear. 

I remember when I broke my arm. 

I remember grandma's piano.

I remember the first time I failed a test. 

I remember all of my history teachers.  

I remember when I sang a duet and accidentally coughed in the microphone. 

I remember when we almost moved. 

I have a love/hate relationship with being nastolgic. 

Happy.

Something great just happened to me.

I looked up to the sky and found so much hope.

The sky told me something that took so much courage. You are very brave sky... I look up to you. 

Even on the dark rainy days, you are beautiful. 

You don't know this yet, but you reminded me I need to do something brave. I am weak and need to become strong. I am tired of being frail and terrified. I think I am strong, but I am not even close.. 

You smile when it's hard. You are kind when it's not easy. You care so much. You are strong sky.. 

I hope one day I can be as brave as you.

Thank you sky. 

Lola.