May I have your attention please?

I am just going to rant for one second.

I hate that I and everyone else can't be who we truely are. We can't because we are all so worried about what other human beings will think of us. It's so sad to think about and I hate it so much. We are always trying to be different from each other.
I wish no one would judge. The world would be a much more honest and loving place to be. I know I shouldn't be talking, because I judge people every now and then. I always try not to, but sometimes human nature gets the best of me. I promise, I will always respect your opinions and beliefs even if I don't agree.
It sucks how much we let other people affect us. Its just really sad and I hate it.

I'm done now.

Lola.
 

//

I'm afraid of water buffalos. Water and buffalos.

I'm afraid of wisks and the way they beat my pancake batter.

I'm afraid of Tupperware containers.

I'm afraid of doorknobs, especially the ones with locks. 

I'm afraid of recording studios. 

I'm afraid of office chairs and the way they spin around and around and around... 

I'm afraid of sitting on the floor.

I'm afraid of hoodies and the way they look like they could suck you up and you'd be gone forever. 

I am scared of the cracks in the sidewalk. 

I'm afraid of the little red berries on the bushes next to my front door. 

I'm afraid of my neighbors fence. 

I'm scared of earwax, mostly just Q-tips with ear wax on them. 

I am scared of shoe laces. 

I'm afraid of my hotel room door. 

I'm scared of people with too much eye makeup. 

I'm afraid of binder clips and all the stuff they hold together.

This is me not holding it together. 

Because truth is, I'm terrified. 

Lola

Dear

Dear human that called me fat when I was young and insecure, 

you hurt me a lot and I came home crying everyday because of you. You only said that because you are insecure about yourself. 

I forgive you. 

Dear human chomping really loud, 

Please stop

Dear ------ and ------, 

I forgive you for all you put me through. 

You taught me a lot. 

Dear you,

I miss you a lot. Thank you for everything. 

Dear grandpa,

Please don't die soon. I don't know what I will do when you're gone. 

Dear best friend, 

You rock. I love you. Thanks for always being there for me.

Most of all, 

Dear ______, 

I blame you for my years of heartache and lonliness. I know you'll never love me back, and that's ok. Thanks for teaching me I am fine on my own.

Dear, Dear, Dear, 

Lola.

And call it love.

Love.  There is not a song, book, or movie in the world that does not have a little bit of love in it.  Some, very sappy.  Some, very upbeat.  Love is a hard word for some to say and some say it all too often.  I believe love means different things to different people. 

To me, love is a bond.  A friendship.  Between family members, friends, significant others. Love is a mutual weirdness between 2 people.

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

                       --Dr.Suess. 

Lola. 

The 14th

Dear you, 

I miss you. I thought I

 would write considering this is the anniversary of your return to heaven.

You are so special to me. I thank you for all you did and still do. I thank you for the gifts you gave me. I still use them all the time. I thank you for the influence you had in my life. You taught me that it is possible to be happy in the hardest of situations. 

You never failed to brighten my day, when I got to see you. I didn't much towards the end and that saddens me. I am sorry I never visited you. I always thought you were going to heal and you were not going to be taken from this world. The day you were, I and many others were heartbroken. You changed so many lives and your legacy lives on still.

I will never forget that time we played on that bouncey thing, and the time we had a heart to heart about boys. I will never forget running into you at your job, and when we went swimming together. I will never forget when we used to run track together, and all your adorable snapchats. Most importantly I will never forget the way you made me feel. You made me feel loved. I always felt so included no matter what was happening. I love you so much for that. You are so special to me. I always loved that you had a great knowledge of the fact everything happens for a reason, and that whatever happens is meant to be.  Thank you for helping me learn that. 

I love that you never cared what people thought. You did your own thing. I was always so jealous and I wish I had as much courage as you. Thank you for staying strong through everything. Even though your illness took you physically, you won darling. You won because of how you reacted to everything. The way you constantly were changing people for good. 

I love and miss you so much. 

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. 

Lola. 

Lets get real here.

Its sad how society has trained us to not be creative and always follow the rules. There are so many rules for everything, and I am scared I have followed the rules for so long that I have lost my creativity. It is so hard to be creative when I constantly have rules in the back of your mind telling what I can and can't do.

I want to go back to the days where anything goes. Like in kindergarten when you would draw a dog and it ended up looking like a brown blob with a small face. It was ok that your dog didn't look like a dog. It was ok, because you were being creative, and you were using your imagination.

 Now you get punished if you use your imagination. You have to follow the rules. I say screw society and all their stupid rules. Don't ever lose your creativity. Be like a kid again, and take your crayons back and draw something. Its ok if it doesn't look exactly like its supposed to, just don't let societies stupid rules hold you back.

Darling, never lose your creativity.

Lola. 

Guess what? I'm not a robot.

I am human.
I get nostalgic on long drives through the canyon. Everything is so simple, yet beautiful. The drives remind me of simpler times,
When the biggest thing I had to worry about was if I had a skin colored crayon or not, and what new toy I wanted for my birthday.
When I felt bad for eating broccoli, because they were little trees.
When my biggest joy was when I got a 10/10 on my spelling test, or when I moved up a reading level.
When I thought my world was ending when I fell off my bike and scrapped my knee.
I am human because I can remember.

Now I just try to survive everyday. I wake up, go to school, go to work, come home, do my homework, sleep. Repeat. I feel like I am on a constant loop. I feel like a robot some days, just going through the motions of daily life. I HATE that. I want to feel.
I NEED to feel, because I am human.

I am human.
I feel it. I just know.
I know because I am alive. I have a heart that beats. A heart that loves so deeply, sometimes it hurts. I have a brain that thinks. Sometimes I forget to use it. I makes mistakes. I am not perfect and I know that.
I am trying though. I want to be better. I want to be the best me I can be.

Simply,
I am human.

Lola.