Happy.

Something great just happened to me.

I looked up to the sky and found so much hope.

The sky told me something that took so much courage. You are very brave sky... I look up to you. 

Even on the dark rainy days, you are beautiful. 

You don't know this yet, but you reminded me I need to do something brave. I am weak and need to become strong. I am tired of being frail and terrified. I think I am strong, but I am not even close.. 

You smile when it's hard. You are kind when it's not easy. You care so much. You are strong sky.. 

I hope one day I can be as brave as you.

Thank you sky. 

Lola. 

Too many ifs, ands, and butts.

Lola. 

Here I am.

I am up really late again. 

Now this time wasn't my fault. It first began with a test. 

Then the tears and pleading. 

"Get out or take the test." 

"Please, I promise I'm clean. Nothing's gonna show up."

She can't and won't believe him no matter what he says anymore. Most times I think it's the PTSD speaking and the fact that his small slip-ups in sobriety really make you feel like you are going to vomit. 

I still have faith in him. I believe people can and do change. He's my own brother, of course I have faith in him. Even when he disappoints me. 

You're older than me, and sometime I feel more mature. 

You haven't always been there for me, and that's something you can't take back. 

You've never always been someone I could talk to, but now I feel like I can no matter what state you're in. 

You're changing now. You're trying to be a better man. I am proud of who you are becoming. 

He still didn't take the test, hopefully the results are clean in the morning.. 

Lola.

This is how you stay up till 12:22 AM:

You must first start off with the desire to complete nothing during the course of your day. 

After you find the desire, you must play candy crush for an embarrassing amount of time. 

Then, you take a 2 hour nap. You will next be woken up by your sister telling you it's time for dinner. You will proceed to eat dinner with your family and fake how much you enjoyed church. Next, you will clean the kitchen. 

After the kitchen is clean you will tell yourself everything that needs to be done. (Ex. Homework, laundry, online classes.) Once you know exactly what you need to do to be productive, you throw that list straight into the paper shredder.

Immediately after that, you must go lay down and check your Instagram, twitter, and Facebook. Maybe if you are feeling adventurous you can snap chat some people. It's totally up to you. 

Once that is completed you will watch the Food Network for 3 hours and not even feel bad about it. 

Finally, you decide it's probably time for bed, so you venture down to your bed and end up reading creative writing blogs for an hour. You read so many blogs you forget to write on your own. So that's why you are up at 12:22 AM.

Lola

Cymbalta

Seasonal depression is real.

I can feel myself getting sad. 

The thing is, I don't want to be sad. I hate being sad. All the time I feel like I droped an ice cream cone I just bought. Or I feel like I don't have any clean laundry.

I'm lying here in my bed and I just want to turn on the Bluetooth on my phone so it drains my battery. I don't want to talk to anyone. 

I see my clothes getting darker, my actions getting lonelier, my room getting messier, and my heart getting harder. 

Help me. 

Lola. 

Blackout

Lola.

Today I feel like this:

I don't know why, but I am crying in the middle of class. I can't help it. 

I have been in the strangest mood all week long. I am always so restless. I don't know what the solution is to the strange numbness I am feeling. Some say I need to pray more and find God again. I started taking multivitamins instead.
I keep running into you at the most random times. I love it, up until I say something dumb and escape all awkward. (it always happens.)

I hate my job. Everyone is new and I feel like I have to do EVERYTHING. Also no one will take my shift and I am getting really bugged.
I haven't been on time to school at all this week. (what else is new.) Getting up on time is right next to impossible.  

My back hurts a lot and I really need to go to the chiropractor. I haven't been in years. 
I have secretly wanted to record a cover of an Ingird Michaelson song and see what people would say, but I am scared.
I raked the leaves in my yard last night and then played with my dog in them. It was really therapeutic and I loved it.
I feel sick and weird. There is a void in my life, and I seriously have no idea what is missing.
I do know that I miss my brother, I miss my dad, I miss my sister, I miss my mom. I feel lost, and I don't know the way back.

Lola.